SLOW BURN MARKETING BLOG

Apple Computer: Death of A Billion-Dollar Brand?

2011-11-03T16:34:00.001-06:00

CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY...

Sweeping statements can get people like me into trouble with readers who have long memories.

I remember when a certain marketing guru whom I admire made the sweeping statement that the skyrocketing price of Google's $85 a share IPO was a case of lemmings rushing to the cliffs to hurl themselves into the financial sea, how this would never last, how Google doesn't make anything of value, that it's a stock price built on air, yada yada yada.

7 years later, Google stock is still hovering beneath $600 a share, Google Android is the most widely used smartphone OS, Google Chrome is the second most popular web browser after Firefox, Gmail is considered the world's best free email service, GoogleDocs is a widely popular free productivity suite, Google search is #1 by a vast margin (more than 5 times ahead of its nearest competitor--which, inexplicably, is Bing), and the company generated a mere $10 billion revenue on advertising in Q3 2011.

So much for predictions.

And you'll understand why I am cautious when I ask...

IS THERE A "BOOK OF JOBS?"

One hopes so, that there's a well-written manifesto of how to run Apple Computer without him.

Because if there's not, my fear is that within a few short years, we will witness the end of Apple Computer as we know it.

I know I risk sounding like either an idolatrous fool or a mindless Mac devotee.

I am neither.

This screed is being flogged out of a blisteringly fast quad-core Precision workstation by Dell.

But once upon a time, I was a devoted Mac user. We'll call the Mac my gateway drug to computing. My first Mac experience in the mid-80s completely changed my mind about computing. My prior experience had consisted of sitting in front of an IBM Selectric terminal hooked up to a hulking, acoustically-coupled modem, probably 2-baud, interfacing with a room-sized mainframe 30 miles away, typing in arcane and awful commands that make DOS look like a romance language.

The Mac experience was different. Attractive. Fun. Sexy. Comprehensible.

Thank you, Steve Jobs, for greasing the skids into my total immersion computing lifestyle.

THE CHALLENGE HERE IS THAT STEVE IS GONE--AND STEVE WAS THE BRAND

Yes, there we go again, sounding like an idolatrous fool.

But if you read the Apple Computer timeline, the company's rise and fall and rise is parallel with Steve Jobs founding Apple, being "fired," and being hired back.

There's a general feeling that while Steve Jobs was gone, the machine was devolving into a glorified typewriter.

Jobs returned with Apple's acquisition of NeXT, the computing company Jobs founded after leaving Apple.

We'll forget about computing history here and get to the fun stuff.

When Steve Jobs was finally back in charge of Apple as interim CEO, one of the first things he did was call the legendary Lee Clow at Chiat/Day and essentially say, "I need an ad campaign, and I need it in one week."

The result was the oft derided "Think Different" campaign. Despite the grammatical blinders worn by so many vocally critical educators and the blasting it received by so many advertising pundits, "Think Different" helped Apple sell out its first batch of iMacs. And, to quote Wikipedia, it helped make Apple "the sidearm of choice for creative professionals."

STEVE JOBS--MARKETING REGRESSIVE?

Certainly, there's no arguing the man's influence on both operating systems and on computer design.

Nothing is ever quite as sexy as the next new Mac.

Even my 73-year old mother, whose 10-year old IBM ThinkPad is "all I need" in a computer, bought an iPad.

The way Steve Jobs changed how we interact with computing technology is inarguable.

What's also inarguable is that he was a marketing traditionalist.

Some time back, this pathetic weekly screed talked about how Apple's advertising budget was merely a third the size of Microsoft's, and how Apple gets so much more bang for its buck.

Last year, Apple's ad spending was estimated at 420 million dollars.

You want to know how much of that went to online marketing?

CONSIDERBALY LESS THAN 10%

On October 10, the AdAge cover story was about this very topic.

Considerably less than 10% of Apple's advertising budget goes to new media.

They have a very limited presence on Facebook. They only recently started a YouTube channel, and that's primarily a venue for its TV spots. The comments are turned off. There is no Mac Vs. PC mudslinging amongst the idiots who populate YouTube conversations.

Apple's budget goes primarily to those "dinosaur" traditional media: network TV, newspapers, magazines, circulars and billboards.

In fact, in 2011, Apple is the ninth largest spender on billboards in the US.

How is it that a company who paves the way for us to get online so easily eschews online advertising?

BECAUSE STEVE JOBS WAS (A) NOT AN IDIOT AND (B) UNDERSTANDS BRANDING

Like so many successful companies, both enormous and tiny, he is the engine behind the brand.

It doesn't matter whether we're talking Dave Thomas of Wendy's or Richard Branson of Virgin of George Zimmer of Men's Wearhouse or the woman who runs the place where my wife and I get our hair cut.

These people are the engines behind their brands. They each infuse their respective brands with their personae. They love their companies and share that love. They also understand the single most important person in their brand is (say it with me!) their customer.

In the case of Steve Jobs, he knew who his customer is, and equally important, WHERE his customer is.

He knew how to reach his customer and what to say.

He knew that the social media marketing philosophy of letting the "customer determine the brand" was not for Apple Computer.

He knew how easy it is to ignore or even hate online advertising.

He knew ho hard it is to ignore that enormous billboard at that major intersection.

He knew the true power of traditional media and how to use it.

STEVE JOBS WAS EVIL

There are people who want you to believe it.

There are plenty of screeds against Apple and what its problems are today.

There are plenty accounts of Steve Jobs' tyranny in the workplace, some of them now surfacing again in the wake of his passing.

Every iconic figure is going to have his or her detractors. And who knows where the truth lies?

What I do know is Steve Jobs is the man behind one of the most iconic brands ever created.

In a world where contemporary marketing pundits scoff at the notion of brand loyalty, saying it no longer exists, that we now live in a world of exclusively transactional consumerism, I say, Really?

Then explain Apple Computer, dude.

The product costs considerably more, millions of people happily pay for it, and will never leave.

There may be no more brand loyalty in any other market than in this one. Apple users are committed.

Steve Jobs is the reason why.

I ABANDONED THE MAC--BUT I'VE NEVER LOST MY LOVE OF THE BRAND

My reasons for leaving Mac behind were practical.

But I've continued to admire the brand, even through its clunky phases.

And, as I've said, I fear we're nearing the end.

There will be a gradual denouement.

And eventually, the brand will fizzle.

Steve Jobs was the engine, and I doubt he can be replicated.

I hope I'm wrong.

Apple computer is dead. Long live the Apple.

More Lightning In A Bottle For Fun & Profit

2011-10-06T11:31:00.001-06:00

I AM NOT A SINGLE GUY--SO WHY DO I LOVE THESE COMMERCIALS?

I'll tell ya why: 'cuz, if you haven't figured it out after all these years, I am an ad geek.

Watching and talking about advertising is sport.

Some guys like to armchair quarterback last night's football game. I like to armchair quarterback the commercials that ran during the game.

And right now, some of my new favorite commercials are coming from one of my longtime favorite advertisers: eHarmony.

Yes, I am happily married.

And my wife reads this pathetic weekly screed.

She will understand--not only because it is some really good new advertising, but because she's worked with the guys who create this advertising and likes them a lot.

SO, THE EHARMONY MODEL IS OLD, WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT THE NEW SPOTS?

eHarmony is now doing something that answers a nagging question about their category.

If you've ever been involved in advertising any kind of a dating site or service, you know that there's one perennial challenge: not enough guys use the service.

Women are typically more willing and ready to join a dating service.

Men, not so much.

So, a plethora of women sit there, twiddling their thumbs in front of their computers, waiting for new guys to show up.

For years, as eHarmony has been running their happy loving couples testimonials, I'd been wondering how this problem affected them.

My guess is this: no differently than for any other dating site.

Because recently, they've begun running new messages that suggest as much.

HEY, SINGLE GUYS: MEET A TYPICAL EHARMONY SINGLE GUY

It was really just a little bit shocking earlier this month when, for the first time, one of these new spots came across my TV screen.

We're so used to the real, unvarnished, un-Hollywood couples of eHarmony land.

It was a total surprise to see that single guy, in jeans and a T-shirt and a beard, talking to the camera:

JON: What am I hoping for? Cool, great girl to get along with. Lets me be me. I enjoy her being her. It's close.

OFF CAMERA: So you really want a relationship?

JON: Yes. I mean, I didn't sign up to eHarmony for dates.

ANNCR: Review all your matches for free. At eHarmony.com

Every eHarmony commercial up to that point had been one thing: a success story.

But here, we don't yet have a success story.

We have a guy looking for a girl.

A regular guy who looks like he might be the guy next door.

A regular guy who might just be the kind of guy I might be, and who wants the same kinds of things in a girl I want, i.e. not some girl who thinks, "Well, I can change him."

IT'S A DIFFERENT KIND OF ASPIRATIONAL ADVERTISING

All of eHarmony's messages have been stories that other people could aspire to living out for themselves.

Now, it's a suddenly message for a guy who might be reluctant to try a dating site.

And eHarmony likes Jon so much, they've done not one but two commercials with him:

JON: With some of those other sites, it's more of a kind of a numbers game. You get a million people on there, and you meet some girl, and you know she's gettin' a hundred emails the same day you email her, and you have to rifle through thousands and thousands of profiles, and it's a totally different experience here when you use eHarmony 'cause they kinda do most of the work for you. I've had one date so far. I'm going on my second date tomorrow night, actually, so maybe by the time this commercial is on, I won't be single any more.

ANNCR: Review all your matches for free at eHarmony.com

There's enough left-brain information there to appeal to the left-brain nature of so many guys, and enough right-brain WOW to be disarming to the same left-brain guy who keeps rationalizing his way out of using eHarmony.

And just as a sidebar for all those hardcore direct response types in the audience: without using a single canned DR copywriting tactic, this is still DR, with a an offer, a call to action, and the word "Free" attached.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

Jon is not the only regular guy parading around in eHarmony land unattached.

There's also Craig, a big, strong, Teddy bear of a guy in a soccer jersey:

CRAIG: I could go onto a site and say, "I like to play soccer." And maybe I'll get 5,000 women who like to play soccer. Fantastic. But if that's all we've got in common, it better be the World Cup all year round or we're gonna be in trouble. There's no...click. There's no, um, there's nothing deeper than that. With eHarmony, everything's so to the core, I think you stand a much better chance of meeting someone you really connect with. And that's more important to me than anything, ya know.

ANNCR: Review all your matches for free at eHarmony.com

Wow. Craig. You're a regular guy with a good head on your shoulders. You're nobody's doofus.

And like Jon, and like every other person eHarmony has trotted out before their cameras, he is easygoing, natural, and UNSCRIPTED!

YES, UNSCRIPTED!

I say this in ALL CAPS and with an exclamation point (!) because I can't tell you the number of times I've seen people try to do "testimonial" commercials where they've WRITTEN COPY FOR THE TESTIMONIAL SUBJECT!

Seriously: I know people who've written scripts based on a customer's experience and expected the customer to record it as if it were their own words.

It doesn't work that way. You need to capture lightning in the bottle of advertising--and it DOESN'T happen by hammering all the spontaneity out of the process.

It happens by knowing how to talk to a subject, how to make them comfortable, how to get them to share, how to be appropriately emotional, and THEN--taking the time required to sift through the raw material to find the gems.

"But that's so much work!"

Uh-hunh.

It's even more work to go and find another client when the one whose canned testimonial didn't work cancels his advertising.

But I digress.

IS THIS THE GIRL YOU'RE LOOKING FOR?

As far as I can tell, eHarmony has also trotted out their first single white female.

And she's not your typical SWF. She's just a little different. At least, that's what I'm thinking when I see a blond with long hair and bangs, a gray linen outfit and black nail polish, who's named Maddisen.

If I were a single guy, I don't think I'd be saying, "Whoa, baby! Maddisen's the girl for me!" But there IS something attractive about her. And part of it is her candor:

MADDISEN: I like the whole process that eHarmony uses. It was really a nice exercise for me to get clear about what I wanted, or what I was seeking in...in a man.

ANNCR: Review all your matches for free at eHarmony.com

This is a message for singles everywhere, men and women: instead of endless swing-and-a-miss dating, you're about to get your head straight about what you're looking for.

Everyone knows eHarmony is skilled at hooking people up for real and for good. We've seen the evidence.

Now, they're talking to you, unattached single, about what it is you don't yet know and probably want.

And if you're creating advertising for anything that can be marketed using real people talking about it, eHarmony once again offers a fine model to go by.

Just don't be afraid to do the work required to get there. At the end of the day, it feels much better than pounding out 165 scripted words about a business that's there "for all your FILL IN THE BLANK needs."

Super Bowl Propaganda

2011-02-11T07:44:00.001-07:00

WHO WON THE SUPER BOWL?

Not the beer advertisers, that's for sure.

Overall, it was a ho-hum parade of spots from beginning to end, with occasional small surprises throughout.

Single favorite joke? "Release the hounds" triggers the opening of a kennel of Afghans in Audi's prison of luxury.

Single most delightfully ridiculous? Best Buy's Ozzy Osbourne wondering, "What's a Bieber?"

Single most surprising? GoDaddy's Joan Rivers. (Not saying it was necessarily good. Just unexpected.)

But overall, it felt lackluster and apathy-inducing--with occasional astonishing wonderments like, Why on earth would Motorola want to invite comparisons to Apple's vaunted "1984" spot, and if so, were they aggressive and pointed enough?

(I'll probably be in a minority on this count, but that spot should have been more aggressive--especially since the Xoom is going to be considerably more expensive than an entry-level iPad.)

The single bright point for the group in our TV room Sunday?

Eminem.

NO, NOT HIS COMMERCIAL FOR BRISK

Which had some unique charm of its own.

Rather, we're talking about the two-minute pod-hogging spot from Chrysler.

This gritty homage to Detroit and Patriotism and Chrysler was a surprisingly deft and well-crafted bit of corporate propaganda from a company that's already had more second acts than any car maker probably deserves.

The detractors are legion, of course. They're complaining bitterly that a car maker still on the government dole should not be spending taxpayer dollars on a Super Bowl commercial.

It's easy to understand why they're upset.

The thing is, you can't stop advertising. And if you're going to advertise in a way that tells people you're back and ready to be reckoned with, there may be no better venue than the Super Bowl.

And a single, two-minute spot buy.

AN AMERICAN CAR MAKER OWNED BY AN ITALIAN COMPANY WITH A FRENCH MARKETING CHIEF?

It's almost hard to believe that an operation with this kind of cred was able to generate that commercial.

The spot is, after all, uniquely American.

It heralds the underdog Detroit, the gritty, down-on-its-luck city synonymous with Chrysler and American drive.

Not that any of us necessarily thought that on Saturday last.

But after the filmmaking finesse that dovetailed those ideas in ways that (a) nobody has ever quite considered and (b) surprised us, it's fair to say that in the legacy match up between Green Bay and Pittsburgh, the winner was Detroit's Chrysler.

PROPAGANDA, PURE & SIMPLE

Yes, indeedy.

The hardcore direct response marketers of our generation are all going to armchair quarterback the ads (they started doing it a week before the game, even), scoffing at how many millions the brand advertisers waste in their effort to amuse and entertain rather than sell.

I understand why they feel that way. I've often shared their antipathy for pointless "get your name out there" advertising that has neither head nor heart at its core.

But they underestimate the ability of a message like Chrysler's to bore into the American psyche.

No, you might not be able to measure instantaneous results in the form of phone calls or unique web visits.

But that, my friends, is bean-counter thinking.

When the game is being played on a field the size of the Atlantic Ocean, and you're trying to alter the course of a supertanker of a brand like Chrysler, turns don't happen on a dime.

WHAT CHRYSLER DID ON SUNDAY WAS TURN HEADS AND, IF ALL GOES WELL, WIN HEARTS AND MINDS

They convinced America to give Chrysler a second look.

It's the difference between effective direct response marketing, and effective brand building.

Both have their merits.

But brand building at this level does something a bit different than DR.

To borrow from the Wikipedia definition of propaganda, we're talking about "a form of communication that is aimed at influencing the attitude of a community toward some cause or position."

And nobody stands around the water cooler and talks about the great direct response ad they saw on TV yesterday.

But they're talking about Chrysler, guaranteed.

Social Media, Dead Media, & Your Brand

2011-01-30T07:43:00.005-07:00

TRADITIONAL ADVERTISING IS DEAD--WHO CARES ABOUT BRAND?

An excellent question. Excellent because it is (a) utterly untrue and (b) an homage to every idiot who tells you brand advertising doesn't sell.

Anyone who's been reading this pathetic weekly screed since its inception knows that we here at Slow Burn Marketing are staunch advocates for Brand.

Anyone who has a business MUST have a brand.

Anyone who doesn't know or understand what their brand is will find themselves losing ground to those competitors who do.

And traditional advertising, in which a solid brand can thrive, is far from dead. It's merely being overshadowed by the glamorous new media darlings.

"WHAT THE HELL IS BRAND?" REDUX

Just a quick refresher for those of you who've forgotten all you learned in Brandergarten.

Contrary to what one majorly successful millionaire motivational guru likes to trot around, brand is definitely not you opening up Microsoft Paint and slapping together a series of shapes and letters to identify your business.

Brand is not a logo, a color, a font, an ad or a tagline.

Brand is everything, both tangible and philosophical, that defines your business. It's how you look, how you act, and how you treat customers.

To refer back to a recent example, the Southwest Airlines brand is (a) Herb Kelleher's maxim that "Southwest is the low-cost airline," combined with (b) the colors, the stripes, the pricing, the tagline, the attitude, the website--all of it.

"You are now free to move about the country" and everything that line means is a distillation of the brand into a single thought--but it merely represents the brand. It is not THE brand.

Bottom line: your brand is what people think of when they think of your business.

So there's your quick brand refresher. Now then...

IS TRADITIONAL ADVERTISING IS ALIVE AND WELL?

This is represented nowhere more vividly than in Slow Burn's eye doctor client in New Hampshire.

The reason I say this is because New Hampshire, the Live Free or Die state, is the most wired state in the nation.

There are more people on the internet per capita there than anywhere else in the US.

Yet, it is a commitment to radio--a "dead" traditional medium--that is making the good doctor a category dominant force there.

It is commitment to print--a "dead" traditional medium--that is supporting his radio presence in a big way.

Yes, he's online. He has a website. He has a YouTube channel. He has accounts on Twitter and Facebook.

But the advertising on traditional media are the reason he has grown into a celebrity virtually overnight.

AND BRAND--THAT OLD AND OH-SO-UNNECESSARY CHESTNUT--IS ALSO TO "BLAME"

His brand is rock solid. Everything about the good doctor's marketing looks and sounds like it grew from a single seed.

The attitude is always the same, the colors, the conceits, everything is a leaf from the same tree.

Including his social media (which, admittedly, is still in its infancy).

So many marketing gurus would have you believe not only that traditional advertising is dead, but brand is pointless--especially because of social media.

Uh-hunh. OK then. If that's so, why does every single bit of social media marketing from Old Spice's "I'm the Man your Man Could Smell Like" campaign look and sound like every part of the campaign found in traditional media?

Is that too big and expensive an example for you?

Fine.

Let's look at $h*! My Dad Says. This is about as low-budget an example as possible of stellar branding in social media.

IN CASE YOU'VE BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK FOR THE LAST TWO YEARS...

$h*! My Dad Says is a TV sitcom starring William Shatner.

It was born of a Twitter account by the same name (except that the Anglo-Saxon expletive in the title is spelled out on Twitter).

Justin Halpern, who created that micro blog, endlessly tweeted inane things his dad said.

It was (and still is) hilarious. Example: "Nervous? In 5 billion years the sun will burn out and nothing you did will matter. Feel better?"

Or, "No. Humans will die out. We're weak. Dinosaurs survived on rotten flesh. You got diarrhea last week from a Wendy's."

Or, "Engagement rings are pointless. Indians gave cows...Oh sorry, congrats on proposing. We good now? Can I finish my indian story?"

(The funnier stuff is laden with expletives, and unsuitable for publication in a family newsletter.)

The micro blog eventually caught the attention of CBS--after it gained national attention on The Daily Show, got Halpern an agent, and a book deal with Harper Collins.

ONE GUY, NO MONEY, AND A WELL-BRANDED MICRO BLOG

His Twitter feed could have been @JustinHalpern, and he could have tweeted any 140 characters that made him happy at the time--including the occasional insane rantings of his father.

And he'd still be an unknown comedy writer living in his dad's basement.

The reason he's now on the road to being millionaire.

Brand--pure and simple.

Even if he didn't understand what he was doing as branding, Halpern completely understood what was necessary.

He committed to the brand, he never deviated from it--and oh, look, it's the traditional media that actually made him rich and famous.

Apparently, reports of the traditional media's death have been greatly exaggerated.

BRAND ALWAYS HAS AND ALWAYS WILL MATTER

Understand who you are and commit to it.

Distill the essence of your business down to a series of concise thoughts.

From those thoughts, derive your Reason For Being.

Then, let that Reason For Being inform everything that follows--the marketing, the advertising, the behavior of your employees, the look of the business, everything.

And once you've done that, you're on the road to better, more effective marketing--both online, and in that creaky old dinosaur of traditional media.

Kicking An Underdog While He's Up

2011-01-18T09:03:00.001-07:00

TED WILLIAMS--AMERICAN HERO TORN DOWN TO SIZE

The general assumption after last week's screed was that the topic of Ted Williams was over--at least for the time being.

There was absolutely no consideration that we'd have to address the subject again.

At least, not so soon. (For anyone who missed last week's screed, feel free to scroll down to the previous entry.)

Admittedly, looming large was the unspoken thought that dear old Ted had experienced such an insanely meteoric rise, he would make like a meteor and burn up on his re-entry into the atmosphere.

But our purposes here were to (a) point out how social media is a flamethrower of a marketing tool, and (b) demonstrate the vise-grip hold broadcast radio still has on the American psyche.

What's happened since that discussion merely a week ago again demonstrates that flamethrower potential of social media. For any business that isn't careful, it sprays blazing jellied gasoline right back in one's face.

A WARTS & ALL MARKETING TOOL--AND DON'T BELIEVE FOR A SECOND THE WARTS WON'T APPEAR

We previously touched on this back in the week of December 13: any business that behaves badly can be paraded before the world for its misdeeds.

In that case, we discussed a gourmet shop whose owner had repeatedly said clever and idiotic things in emails to a customer--who posted those emails online for the world to see.

We also referred back to an auto dealer client who wanted to advertise his stellar service department--when the internet was loaded with customer-generated evidence that his service department was awful.

In the case of Ted Williams, he glowingly claimed in his YouTube video interview (courtesy of the Columbus Dispatch) that he'd been "two years sober."

Maybe.

But...

THAT SURE ISN'T THE CASE NOW, IS IT?

In the wake of what has to be six figures worth of jobs and perqs (besides his sudden work for Kraft Foods and MSNBC, the Cleveland Cavaliers have given him a house to live in while he's their arena announcer), Ted has flamed.

Perhaps not flamed out.

But the public arguments, the drinking, the arrest and the TV offensive have all done their best to tarnish what was a quite nice underdog story.

He was staying at the Renaissance Hotel in Los Angeles (presumably put there by someone responsible for one of his TV appearances).

That's where he got into an argument with one of his estranged adult daughters.

The argument was so heated, the police were called and Ted was arrested.

The reason for the argument is that his daughter was apparently trying to stop recovering alcoholic Ted, who was swigging freely from a bottle of Grey Goose vodka.

FOLLOWING THE POLICE REPORT CAME DR. PHIL...

The link to the Dr. Phil interview with Ted came to me from the same engineering tycoon who sent me the link to the original story.

(SIDEBAR: this corporate CEO was very excited to learn that he was suddenly a "tycoon." Seems he's been waiting a long time for that. I made it clear to him that I am in the tycoon-making business.)

Dr. Phil interviewed Ted's estranged daughters and ex-wife. He confronted Ted and told him he had to admit he was a drunk and go to rehab.

All on national TV, of course.

One has to imagine that Kraft, MSNBC and the Cleveland Cavaliers must all be thrilled to suddenly have their flash-in-the-pan golden child being stripped naked and paraded through the streets as something merely human and scarred.

CERTAINLY, ONE HAS TO FEEL FOR TED

This can't be fun for him. Great fortune landed in his lap, only to be followed by a great, steaming ball of misery.

With any luck, he and his new career will survive.

But again, what we're talking about here isn't so much Ted as how his example demonstrates the power of social media.

Nobody I know is watching Dr. Phil.

Everybody I know is aware of what's happened to Ted.

Because the internet has given new meaning to the idea of "immediacy."

Radio people love to talk about the "immediacy of radio." (Yes, some account reps think that means, "Sign the contract today and we'll have you on the air tomorrow." Sorry, friends. It means that radio can cover breaking news immediately in ways newspaper simply can't--not that you can willy-nilly jam a production order down the throat of an already overworked production director.)

Social media has utterly redefined the immediacy paradigm. Social media can be your greatest friend--and your worst enemy, depending on how you behave.

KEEP YOUR NOSE CLEAN, FRIENDS

If you are an advertiser or are responsible for advertisers, it's impreative to understand how social media can both build you up and tear you down in new and "interesting" ways.

That's "interesting" as in the supposed ancient Chinese curse, "May you live in interesting times."

Are you going to behave badly as a business?

There are all kinds of new ways for it to come back and bite you on your patootie.

NO LONGER IS IT MERELY "BAD WORD OF MOUTH"

Now it's bad word of mouth on the internet, available for anyone who wants to know.

I do hope Ted Williams is going to come out of this episode stronger and better.

The gourmet boutique whose owner handed a dissatisfied customer the email rope to hang him in public will survive as well.

Both men likely wish they had made smarter choices.

But the lesson to be taken away from this episode is more important than so many businesses could possibly realize.

This is also exactly why Slow Burn Marketing is now adding social media video marketing tools to its repertoire.

We do indeed live in interesting times. The business winners are going to be the ones who know how to channel "interesting" to their own benefit.

YouTube didn't kill the radio star.

It just reshaped him. And that shape, for the judicious marketer, is in the form of a cash cow.

Cashing In On An Underdog

2011-01-11T07:07:00.000-07:00

TED WILLIAMS--AMERICAN HERO

Unless you've been living under a rock during the past week, you've seen the video of Ted Williams and heard his Great American Second Act Horatio Alger story.

To recap: a former radio announcer and homeless, recovering addict in Ohio, Ted was videotaped by a Columbus Dispatch writer as he stood at an intersection with a cardboard sign.

The writer asked Ted to do some announcer patter. This wild-haired man in an army surplus field coat did some golden-throated VO, and later told his story about why he's panhandling on a street corner.

Since that video hit YouTube, Ted Williams has reconnected with his estranged 92-year old mother, has appeared on various major national news shows, and now has announcing jobs with the Cleveland Cavaliers, Kraft Foods and MSNBC.

So, what does this prove?

YOUTUBE VIDEO CERTAINLY DIDN'T KILL THE RADIO STAR

Ted's career crumbled all on its own.

A YouTube video helped to resurrect it.

But there are two things that this white-hot flare of an American second act proves.

One, nothing is quite as powerful a marketing tool as social media is right now.

And two: radio is just as potent and necessary as it ever was.

The social media angle is obvious.

What's that? You don't think YouTube is social media?

IT'S TIME TO WAKE UP AND SMELL THE RED BULL

The millions of views, the viewer commentary, the sharing and embedding features, the interactive nature of the YouTube structure--all of YouTube's design is geared towards making things social and viral.

This is one of the reasons YouTube has become an intensely potent tool in internet marketing. The right video gets around and spreads the word. On January 3, 2011, Ted Williams was rocketed from obscurity to national fame by a single YouTube video that was passed from person to person via email.

By January 5--two days later--despite my 15-year career in VO, Ted Williams was likely making considerably more money in voiceover than I do--and I already make more than the vast majority of VO performers. But you just can't argue with three enormous, long-running gigs landing in your lap literally overnight. (Some of us still have to audition.)

We won't flog the social media horse here. There are probably plenty of other people who can and will do it better than I.

But, what probably won't happen is this: nobody will address WHY this became so huge. Social media is the tool. And Americans' love of an underdog certainly figures into it.

But there a plenty of worthy souls standing on street corners with hand-lettered cardboard signs. Why THIS underdog as opposed to any other?

THE DEEP EMOTIONAL HOOKS THAT RADIO HAS IN THE PSYCHE

If there's one thing Americans love as much as an underdog story, it's radio.

Yes, the "experts" love to sing the swan song for radio. The End Is Near! Save yourselves!

Especially if you work in radio, you know how often this has happened.

But radio never dies.

In fact, in some places, 103 years after the first recognized radio broadcast, radio is as strong as ever.

That's because it continues to do what no other medium can.

Done properly, radio continues to ignite the imagination, engage the listener, and draw him into a world that is so much bigger than any TV screen or web page can ever be.

And to see a downtrodden man clawing his way back up from the bottom suddenly smiling and sounding like THAT GUY on the radio?

IT WAS EXPLOSIVE

Long before any radio people sent me the link to Ted Williams' video, I received it via a chemical & mechanical engineer who's the CEO of capital equipment manufacturing company.

This man is professionally as far from radio as one can get. He sent a link from the Wall Street Journal website.

And believe me, as a CEO, he's got better things to do than email little stories around the interwebs.

Yet it triggered something in him that made him decide he had to share it.

Guaranteed, however much this capital equipment tycoon might like to deny it, at the core of his decision was the emotionally evocative quality of radio and Ted Williams' embodiment of it.

DO YOU SELL RADIO?

If so, it's suddenly a great time to be in the game.

You now have a sales tool no other medium gets to brag about.

If you're trying to close a reticent prospect, ask them to consider this: why is the Ted Williams story worth millions of dollars to all the news media and VO employers who've jumped on the bandwagon?

It's about more than just an underdog story.

It's about what the underdog represents.

That underdog represents the power of radio.

The internet makes and dispenses with stars overnight.

But radio perseveres. It lives on. It builds castles in the sky. It tells tales from topographic oceans. It tells you that's the way it is. It tells the rest of the story.

Over a century since its inception, broadcast radio is alive and well.

Ted Williams proves it: Radio means business. Still.

Is This Brand of Urgency Costing Them Money?

2010-10-14T09:12:00.002-06:00

CRANK UP THE URGENCY, PACO! PUT SOME RÁPIDAMENTE IN YOUR MAÑANA!

Sometimes, it just hard to believe what otherwise intelligent folks will say when confronted with the idea of advertising.

Last week, I'm reading the local paper, and I spot a new ad.

It caught my eye because it was so badly laid out.

It's a big ad, a quarter page. The top half of the ad is black with white type and bullet points scattered all over it. Nothing calls out to the reader. It's just visual noise.

The bottom half of the ad is just the business name and address, URL and location details.

And the ad's headline says...

"SEE AN EMERGENCY PHYSICIAN IN A RELAXED URGENT CARE SETTING..."

I read that and spit coffee all over the paper.

OK, well, I'm making that part up.

But I wanted to spit coffee all over the paper.

Here we have a business that is presumably staffed by people who spent 8 years of their lives in higher learning, surrounded by at least a few other people who must have four years of college under their belts, and nobody there sees the problem with the headline, "SEE AN EMERGENCY PHYSICIAN IN A RELAXED URGENT CARE SETTING..."

If you need an ER doc, do you really want him to be relaxed?

"What's that? Blood is squirting out of his femoral artery? Let me finish my coffee and sudoku, and I'll be right there. Oooh, look. Donuts!"

WHAT WAS THE CONVERSATION THAT SPAWNED THIS AD?

I realize how these folks might want to convey the idea of an emergency room alternative--especially in a town where sports-related injuries are as common as hangnails.

And considering that there's a brand spanking new hospital (with an ER) on the edge of town getting a lot of press, advertising is probably a good idea.

And it's entirely likely that this little medical center right in town is indeed less busy and more relaxed than the hospital's ER.

But really, does the idea of "relaxed emergency care" make any sense?

And, indeed, "urgent care" has evolved as a business concept for ambulatory care centers--but is there any consumer anywhere in the country who actually has the phrase "urgent care setting" ready to roll off the tip of her tongue?

I don't think so.

What's wrong with actually saying what you mean?

Why not write the headline in words that make simple sense?

"EMERGENCY CARE THAT'S CLOSER. CALMER. QUICKER."

That's hardly a genius headline.

But ya know what?

It makes a lot more sense.

It's more likely to grab a reader's attention.

It gets the point across.

And, perhaps most importantly, it doesn't make the advertiser look foolish.

And foolishness is exactly what an "emergency physician in a relaxed urgent care setting" conveys.

THEIR HEADLINE SAYS, "WE DON'T GET IT"

And interestingly, whoever created the ad did "get it" on some level.

The ad is packed with benefit-laden bullet points--any one of which could have been tweaked into a better headline.

Instead of one big ad that doesn't really invite anyone to read it, it could have been broken down into a series of smaller ads and run as a campaign that might actually have a profound impact for the advertiser.

I have to assume that this ad is a product of the paralysis of rational thought that occurs when otherwise intelligent people are confronted with creating advertising.

Advertising is nothing more than a conversation.

And the more conversational advertising can be, the more friends it's going to win.

Dinosaur Evolution & Big Money Stakes

2010-09-20T17:25:00.002-06:00

RE-BRANDING A GIANT

Recently, I took a tour through an old industrial building in Manhattan.

Once upon a time, it was a toy factory.

Today, it's the home of a hipster ad agency.

That hipster ad agency is called Grey Advertising.

Yes, THAT Grey Advertising.

THE OLD GRAY LADY OF MADISON AVENUE REBELS

If you know anything about Grey, you probably know that it's one of the largest ad agencies in the world, with offices in about 90 countries.

Grey used to have New York offices right near Madison Avenue, and had been in that location for almost half a century.

In a business known for the transient and impermanent nature of its employment, Grey had people who'd been there for entire careers.

Grey was monolithic.

And if you know anything about monoliths, you know they tend to be kinda large and cumbersome.

It seems that things had become such at Grey. When AdWeek magazine would do their annual agency report cards, Grey would get high grades for business practices and not such high grades for its product.

THINGS HAVE CHANGED

Grey has downsized. During The Turmoil of the last few years, people were laid off.

And Grey moved from its home of nearly half a century.

What's interesting about that is they haven't merely moved.

They've morphed.

They've gone from a stodgy, old-fashioned, hushed, wall-to-wall carpeting, New York glass-and-steel existence to a young, edgy, in-your-face position of prominence in an old factory building.

The rabbit warren of offices that used to house the creative and production departments are gone.

Instead, dozens and dozens of people now work together in large, open spaces of an architecturally deconstructionist retro environment that, apparently, made a lot of people uncomfortable.

THAT DISCOMFORT APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN A GOOD THING

It shook things up. It's helped make Grey edgier and more vibrant. And it's positioned Grey as a hipster joint that creates better, more vital work.

You've seen the E*TRADE baby, of course (a creation that pre-dates the move to the new digs).

Grey is raising its profile to become known for really good work.

They've weathered the storm of the financial meltdown and have come out on top.

COULD THEY HAVE DONE THIS FROM THEIR OLD, LESS HIP DIGS?

Possibly. The E*TRADE baby was created there.

But I would posit that this new, non-traditional location has done a couple of things.

One is that it has shaken up the status quo inside.

Change is uncomfortable, and the resulting discomfort has made for better, more creative product.

But two, and perhaps more importantly, the new, non-traditional location is a bold and high-profile metaphor for Grey's change.

THE NEW GREY IS IMPORTANT AND SYMBOLIC

It's a symbol of new beginnings, of edgy, current thinking, and of aggressive, cost-effective ideas for 21st century advertising.

Tor Myhren, the Executive Creative Director responsible for this paradigmatic shift, has done something you don't see very often.

He's done exactly what he would probably tell a lot of clients to do.

His facility is an outward example of edgy, dangerous work.

NOTHING IS SAFE IN THERE

Least of all, stodgy old ideas.

In a way, these offices are 1984 all over again.

But instead of one dark, Ridley Scott commercial and a good looking blond track star, there's a bald, thoughtful looking man throwing a hammer and shattering the walls of an American advertising icon.

In a time of drastic and constant and rapid change, he's forced a potential dinosaur to adapt and survive.

In a time when America's big businesses need to do the same, could there be a more appropriate evolution--and a better example for the rest of us in the marketing food chain?

Is This Brand Of Urgency Costing Them Money?

2010-09-09T06:54:00.000-06:00

CRANK UP THE URGENCY, PACO! PUT SOME RÁPIDAMENTE IN YOUR MAÑANA!

Sometimes, it just hard to believe what otherwise intelligent folks will say when confronted with the idea of advertising.

Last week, I'm reading the local paper, and I spot a new ad.

It caught my eye because it was so badly laid out.

It's a big ad, a quarter page. The top half of the ad is black with white type and bullet points scattered all over it. Nothing calls out to the reader. It's just visual noise.

The bottom half of the ad is just the business name and address, URL and location details.

And the ad's headline says...

"SEE AN EMERGENCY PHYSICIAN IN A RELAXED URGENT CARE SETTING..."

I read that and spit coffee all over the paper.

OK, well, I'm making that part up.

But I wanted to spit coffee all over the paper.

If you need an ER doc, do you really want him to be relaxed?

"What's that? Blood is squirting out of his femoral artery? Let me finish my coffee and sudoku, and I'll be right there. Oooh, look. Donuts!"

WHAT WAS THE CONVERSATION THAT SPAWNED THIS AD?

I realize how these folks might want to convey the idea of an emergency room alternative--especially in a town where sports-related injuries are as common as hangnails.

And considering that there's a brand spanking new hospital (with an ER) on the edge of town getting a lot of press, advertising is probably a good idea.

And it's entirely likely that this little medical center right in town is indeed less busy and more relaxed than the hospital's ER.

But really, does the idea of "relaxed emergency care" make any sense?

I don't think so.

What's wrong with actually saying what you mean?

Why not write the headline in words that make simple sense?

"EMERGENCY CARE THAT'S CLOSER. CALMER. QUICKER."

That's hardly a genius headline.

But ya know what?

It makes a lot more sense.

It's more likely to grab a reader's attention.

It gets the point across.

And, perhaps most importantly, it doesn't make the advertiser look foolish.

And foolishness is exactly what an "emergency physician in a relaxed urgent care setting" conveys.

THEIR HEADLINE SAYS, "WE DON'T GET IT"

And interestingly, whoever created the ad did "get it" on some level.

The ad is packed with benefit-laden bullet points--any one of which could have been tweaked into a better headline.

I have to assume that this ad is a product of the paralysis of rational thought that occurs when otherwise intelligent people are confronted with creating advertising.

Advertising is nothing more than a conversation.

And the more conversational advertising can be, the more friends its going to win.

Doggie Commands Cost Money--So Get Biblical

2010-08-31T08:37:00.002-06:00

READ THIS AD OR DIE

I have no idea why, but there's a particular paradigm in email advertising.

This model requires an exclamatory, in-your-face subject line like, "If you don't jump on this deal, you're crazy!"

Or, "I can't believe you haven't signed up yet!"

Or, "What's wrong with you!?"

I swear, I've actually had subject lines comes at me that said essentially, "What's wrong with you, you moron!?"

There is nothing that makes me hit the delete key faster than a subject-line trumpet blaring in my face.

"HEY YOU! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU! OPEN THIS EMAIL! NOW!"

Nope.

"Hey, you! Open this email now or you're crazy!"

Guess I'm crazy.

"Read this email now or you're missing out on fabulous wealth, amazing sex, and a life of luxurious Dionysian excesses!"

I'll die poor, celibate and sober.

It's as if the people responsible for these ads have no comprehension of enticement.

And while email is visible and abundant, this situation isn't unique to email. It happens all around us, constantly.

I can't tell you how many radio commercials I hear where the first word of the script is: "Attention!"

Woof!

DOGGIE COMMANDS MUST DIE

Just because you want someone's attention, it doesn't mean saying, "I want your attention" helps your case.

Sit! Heel! Stay! Open! Listen! Watch!

These commands are the kinds of things you bark in a master/servant relationship.

The dog has no choice if he doesn't want to pay the price, which is a swat.

The consumer, however, has a choice. And typically, if we order him to open, listen, or watch, he's gone.

Because he's not our servant.

Yes, there are a few people with severely diminished self worth who might pay attention, but what they really need is not what we're selling but some intensive psychotherapy.

Do any of us really want this person as a customer?

WE ALL WANT ROMANCE, MY FRIENDS

We all want to be seduced.

No, I'm not talking about those emails that promise, um...indiscriminate foreign jezebels of loose moral character.

Or mail order Russian brides. (How come there are no mail order Russian grooms?)

Look at the thesaurus for synonyms of "seduce," and you find words like allure, bewitch, charm, captivate, and attract.

Most people simply don't have much of that in their lives. And when it suddenly comes around--even in the form of an advertisement--they pay attention.

This is nothing new. It's been practiced by some of the most ancient of marketers.

GO ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE SERPENT IF YOU WANT

The serpent never commanded Eve to eat from the Tree of Knowledge.

Instead, he quizzed her about why she avoided it.

Then, he sold her a dream of a better reality.

He told her that if she eats the fruit, she and Adam will "be as gods."

And, of course, we all know what really happened.

In this litigious time of ours, Eve probably would have had recourse through the courts against the serpent on a false advertising charge.

But the serpent never sent an email with the subject line, "EAT THIS FRUIT OR YOU'RE NUTS!"

He seduced her into buying what he was selling.

And that model has served well for subsequent generations at the hands of legions of marketers, albeit more scrupulous and well intentioned.

"THEY LAUGHED WHEN I SAT DOWN AT THE PIANO, BUT WHEN I STARTED TO PLAY!"

This legendary John Caples headline is absolutely a seduction to learn more. It sold uncountable piano courses for the U.S. School of Music.

"Where's the beef?!" seduced the fed-up fast-food consumer to deride McDonalds and eat Wendy's hamburgers instead.

Even PT Barnum seduced people into exiting his sideshows.

Barnum's customers would linger too long, clogging up the exhibits, making it difficult to get more paying customers inside.

So, Barnum posted an enticing sign that seduced people into leaving because it sounded like there was something new and fascinating to be seen.

It said: "This way to the egress."

NO, THAT'S NOT A SUGGESTION THAT YOU FOOL YOUR PROSPECTS

But it is a suggestion that the next time an advertiser (or your writer) suggests a doggie command, you show him the truth.

Show him John Caples.

Show him Wendy's.

Show him any number of successful ads that seduce a prospect.

Long ago, someone ate from the Tree of Knowledge and we continue paying the price today.

We might as well use it to our advantage.

Do People Hate You? Could Be A Money Maker...

2010-08-20T17:44:00.001-06:00

AH, ME--WHEN WILL THIS PATHETIC SCREED DIE?

Your faithful scribe recently had an interesting conversation with his good friend, Russell Friedman, he of the Grief Recovery Institute.

That conversation is about to become the foundation for this morning's pathetic weekly screed.

Why?

A couple of reasons.

Russell was the first person to note that your faithful scribe's signoff suddenly changed from "Your Short, Fat Creative Director in Park City" to "Your Lean, Mean Creative Director in Park City."

It took a couple of months for him to notice, and he was the first person to inquire about why the change.

THE "WHY" IS BECAUSE IT SEEMED LIKE GOOD JUJU

I'm in training for a triathlon, and being lean & mean was more appropriate to that task. It also better describes the brand reality of Slow Burn Marketing--a small company that runs on a shoestring budget (and routinely must turn down new clients.)

So, Russell gets a nod for paying attention to the details.

The other reason Russell gets special mention here is he's the first person to tell me he's sick of the regular references herein to this "pathetic weekly screed."

He wants to know when I'm going to stop calling it that.

DEAR RUSSELL: NEVER

Ya see, there's a certain, purposeful brand continuity here.

One of the things I really don't enjoy is the self-important gurus who send out regular newsletters that fancy themselves the most notable documents since the Magna Carta.

(NOTE: if you are a marketing guru reading this, know that I'm not speaking about you. I already know that I'm followed only by the best of the best, which is duly humbling.)

Know what?

Nothing I write is as important as the Magna Carta.

Yes, your faithful scribe rants.

Yes, your faithful scribe insults people. (Not on purpose, though, unless they deserve it.)

Yes, your faithful scribe occasionally discourses about details of marketing as if they were part of some grand, inscrutable puzzle written in Sanskrit.

Know what?

It's all amounts to a hill of beans in this crazy mixed up world where people act like quoting classic films is somehow a substitute for original thought.

And as part of this recognition of his own insignificance in the grand scheme of things, your faithful scribe is going to continue acknowleding the limited importance of what we do here.

IT'S ALL PART OF THE BRAND, MY FRIENDS

And the fact that it makes Russell unhappy does my heart good.

It's exactly the same as something my wife recently said.

She was really sick of some public figure whose name escapes me. (Apparently, I'm sick of this person, too.) And my wife said, "I can't stand her."

To which I replied, "Yep. But at least she makes you feel something."

There are plenty of people who read this pathetic weekly screed and probably despise it.

A few of you claim to love it (which does bring your judgment into question, but let's not go there right now).

But best of all?

THERE JUST AREN'T A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO ARE THOROUGHLY AMBIVALENT ABOUT HOT POINTS

Friends, a brand has to make people feel something.

Otherwise, it's not a brand.

It's just an amorphous load of hoohah taking up space.

When I go on a rant and grab a point by the neck and start shaking it until its eyes bug out, I know I've done a good thing if voicover emprasario Bob Souer emails and asks if he can republish it on his blog.

This is not to say a brand should be designed to offend. Unless you're in some kind of hipster business where offending people is part of the overall plan, being offensive for the sake of it is pointless.

But if you've done your job and you've figured out what your brand really is, guess what.

IT'S BOUND TO ANNOY SOMEONE

If it's done well, it's also bound to inspire someone else.

If it makes nobody feel anything but ambivalence, it's not a brand.

It's just a bowl of oatmeal.

And oatmeal is about as uninspiring as it gets.

So Russell, live with the fact that this is and shall remain your pathetic weekly screed for as long as it suits your faithful scribe.

I trust you'll keep reading, though--for it will eventually change at some point. And as much as you hate it, you're going to want to know when "screed" leaves and see what comes next.

Admit it: you're hooked.

Or maybe you're not.

Either way, welcome to the brand.

Bad, Bad, Bad And More Bad

2010-08-10T09:32:00.002-06:00

THERE'S A FOLDER ON MY COMPUTER LABELED "BAD ADS"

I was just leafing through it, looking for inspiration.

Yes, looking for inspiration in bad advertising might seem oxymoronic.

But it's been a while since we've done any hatchet jobs in this pathetic weekly screed.

In fact, your faithful scribe is feeling like we're long overdue for just having pure fun--and justifying it in the name of "constructive criticism" for the benefit of others.

And really, why am I even justifying this? Unleash the hounds!

Here now, three recent favorite bad bits of copy to brighten your Monday.

Strap in and hang on...

WOULD YOU GAMBLE YOUR LIFE ON IT?

For anyone not familiar with Mesquite, it's a little resort town about an hour from Las Vegas on the Nevada border by Arizona and Utah.

By Vegas standards, it's sleepy. Heck, by most standards, it's sleepy. Little casinos surrounded by lush green golf courses in the middle of an arid, brutal, stinking desert.

Ah, luxury.

Mesquite is favored by people I know who drive from LA to Park City and want an inexpensive hotel room mid-way.

I've personally used Mesquite as a pit stop to buy gas and a burger. Easy on, easy off of I-15.

WE ARE NOT DESIRABLE CUSTOMERS FOR MESQUITE

They want people ready to golf and gamble.

The following ad has recently appeared in various media.

"Mesquite. Escape, momentarily."

I like my wife's reaction: "What? Have fun...for now?"

Personally, I think it sounds like an ad for a teen slasher film. Better copy in that vein? "Mesquite. There will be blood."

If "Escape, momentarily" is the best your department of tourism can do, you're probably better off saying something like, "Loose slots, looser women." At least you're targeting a specific demographic and there's no mystery.

Note: I am unaware of whether there are actually loose women in Mesquite. That was not a character judgment. Please, women of Mesquite, hold your cards and letters.

YES, BUT WILL IT SLICE, DICE & SHRED THE COPYWRITER WHO WROTE IT?

As an auditioning voiceover performer, one is exposed to an endlessly entertaining parade of words that don't matter.

And it comes not just from little local Podunk advertisers. It even comes from national concerns.

Behold this from a national lawn care manufacturer...

Introducing a trusted line of lawn equipment

that's new to the brand. These units are

designed to help you get the job done quickly,

so you can focus on what's really important in life.

OK. Now, really. It's silly enough to try and propose the notion that your lawn care equipment is somehow going to improve your quality of life.

THE "LABOR SAVING DEVICE" CONCEIT BECAME STALE ABOUT THE MIDDLE OF THE LAST CENTURY

But what's most amusing here is the notion of a "trusted line of lawn equipment that's new to the brand."

It's either brand new, or it's established and trusted.

You can't have it both ways, friend.

If that's the best your marketing department can do, you need a new marketing department that "can focus on what's really important" in marketing.

THIS ONE MAKES ME WANT A HOTEL ROOM IN MESQUITE

Looking for a reliable, national hotel chain?

"This [unnamed hotel] embodies a unique mix of New York energy and New England charm, while providing a memorable hotel experience for your business, leisure, meeting and celebration needs."

Woo hoo!

Needs, needs, needs!

NOT JUST ANY NEEDS, BUT MY BUSINESS NEEDS, LEISURE NEEDS, MEETING NEEDS AND CELEBRATION NEEDS!

Wow.

And the hotel is a "unique mix of New York energy and New England charm."

This is a dichotomy that your writer, as a born and bred New Englander who has spent a lot of time in New York, is trying to fathom.

Is there a tray in the lobby with warm chocolate chip cookies and crack? Does the desk clerk look like a Maine lobsterman in a Brooks Brothers suit? Do you ask the concierge how to get to the Schubert Theater and he says, "You can't get there from here?"

What on earth does that mean?

This is so obviously a big bucket of nothing that it's a little shocking it came out of a national hotel chain.

This one sentence offers a nonsensical dichotomy in its description of the hotel, has no idea whom it wants to address (business travelers, vacationers, meeting planners or party planners), and as icing on the cake offers the single stupidest word any copywriter could possibly fall back on when too lazy to come up with anything even remotely original: "NEEDS."

Not that I really have an opinion on that.

WRITING BETTER COPY IS JUST NOT THAT HARD

One of the best ways to write better copy is to read what you've written, and if it sounds like an ad you've heard before, throw it out.

And ask, "What does this REALLY mean?"

Also, ask if it gets a point across without sounding like a parody.

For anyone with even an ounce of motivation, there are all kinds of resources to help raise the bar.

Fortunately, a lot of people will never avail themselves of those resources, and our enjoyment at their expense will continue unabated.

Yay, bad ads!

10 Seconds To Wasting All Your Ad Dollars REDUX

2010-05-24T09:19:00.001-06:00

"ARE YOU NUTS, BLAINE PARKER?!"

Seems that last post hit a nerve.

Seems a lot of folks out there inferred that I said, when writing non-comm sponsor copy, one should write the same way one writes for a commercial station.

Which is why I received several blistering emails saying, "We can't write like that!"

If you go back and review what I said (which I'm fairly certain nobody will do), it was essentially that one shouldn't turn off one's brain just because one is writing for a non-comm.

I never said, "Be a huckster."

A client is spending good money on sponsorship. When there are only 10 seconds to say something that matters, it should not be (a) the fact that one sponsors the station and (b) a phone number.

That's it.

But since so many folks out there have a vested interest in the execution of smart sponsorship copy, let's talk about what CAN be said.

YOU'RE ONLY AS BOUND UP AS YOU LET YOURSELF BE

One of the more rational emails came from the inimitable Rod Schwartz of Grace Broadcast Sales in Pullman Washington.

He sent a rather lengthy and thoughtful missive. Among other things, he said: "We cannot use comparatives (often helpful) or superlatives (typically meaningless) or otherwise advocate for the advertiser...oops, I mean sponsor. Nor are we permitted to use either item-and-price information or a call to action. It's difficult to write with both hands bound."

Well written. And an amusing metaphor.

Similarly, Bill Montgomery at River Radio in Gahanna, Ohio was frustrated. He asked, "Have you worked with non-comm ads and figured out better ways to legally get info across to the consumer?"

Yes, I have worked with non-comms. One non-comm runs full-length spots that can't use "comparatives, superlatives, item and price info or a call to action."

Can you imagine writing a direct-response 60 with no call to action?

Surprisingly, it's not all that difficult. One client in specific just uses his testimonial commercials, occasionally with minor changes to ensure no superlatives or call to action. Proof again that effective advertising is often good storytelling.

BUT MOST NON-COMM SPONSORS LIVE IN A 10-15-SECOND HELL

Bill asks if I've worked out a better way to get the info across to the consumer.

Ya know, I've written scant number of non-comm sponsorship mentions. I'm not going to call myself an expert.

But, do you want to know the easiest way to get an idea of how to write effective sponsorship mentions that are in compliance?

It's going to be painful, but you have to do it.

Listen to NPR.

"THAT BASTION OF SOCIALIST RHETORIC? NOOOOO!"

For anyone who insists on being political about NPR, yes--the editorial stance can arguably be called center left.

So what?

NPR does one thing better than probably any other news organization: tell a story.

Which attracts listeners.

Which in turn attracts sponsors.

National sponsors.

National sponsors who are not interested in flushing their ad budgets down the drain by saying things like "A proud national sponsor of All Things Considered. 555-555-1234."

NPR national sponsors do everything by the non-comm book, and they know how to extend a message that matters.

NOT THAT THEY ALWAYS GET THE PHRASING RIGHT...

For years, Novo Nordisk has been sponsoring NPR.

And for years, they've been trying to phrase their sponsor mention properly.

For a writer, it's pure pain to hear.

It used to say, "Diabetes research is our passion, not just our business." Come on, the payoff is "passion." Don't bury it in the middle of the sentence and end on a diminished thought.

Now, to their credit, they somewhat understand the need to put emotion into things. And over the years, they've rephrased the line to get it almost right. Currently, they say something to the effect of, "Diabetes is not just our business--it's our passion." So at least it's structured properly. But it really ought to be saying that it's "more than just our business."

That said, the only reason I've even heard of Novo Nordisk and know what they do is because they say it succinctly and with feeling.

"BUT I DON'T HAVE NATIONAL MEDICAL SPONSORS"

Right. You have local businesses who'd like to turn a 10-second drop into a DR juggernaut by jamming a phone, number in there.

Not gonna happen.

But let's look at a business that is likely cleaning up in NPR, because they keep throwing money at it.

Here's their message: "Constant Contact, dedicated to helping small businesses and nonprofits build strong customer relationships with email marketing. Constant Contact dot com."

That sponsor mention is specifically the reason why you get Hot Points through Constant Contact. I needed a tool, they were there, and their message made sense. I logged on and signed up for a free 60-day account. (Also demonstrating the power of the free trial, my friends.) It was about a 3-minute sales cycle, converting a prospect to paying customer. That include putting down my coffee, getting the laptop, and typing in all my account info.

However, I can't tell you how many times I heard that message previously, and it simply washed over me--again proving that people are preoccupied and not sitting around, waiting to hear anyone's advertising.

Notice Constant Contact doesn't say "proud local sponsor," they don't include a phone number. (Don't laugh--I've had website advertisers insist on a phone number.) They merely say who they are and what they do in as succinct and powerful and RELEVANT a way as possible.

And without ever saying, "For all your email marketing needs."

IT'S JUST NOT THAT HARD

It seems a lot of folks hear they have constraints and shut down.

You don't need to do that. There is still plenty to be said in a non-comm context that's both in compliance and salesworthy.

Just look for an angle. It's there. You just have to rise to the challenge for all your client's sponsorship writing needs.

10 Seconds To Wasting All Your Ad Dollars Redux

2010-05-11T09:52:00.008-06:00

"ARE YOU NUTS, BLAINE PARKER?!"

That last blog post hit a nerve.

Seems a lot of folks out there inferred that I said, when writing non-comm sponsor copy, one should write the same way one writes for a commercial station.

Which is why I received several blistering emails saying, "We can't write like that!"

If you go back and review what I said (which I'm fairly certain nobody will do), it was essentially that one shouldn't turn off one's brain just because one is writing for a non-comm.

I never said, "Be a huckster."

A client is spending good money on sponsorship. When there are only 10 seconds to say something that matters, it should not be (a) the fact that one sponsors the station and (b) a phone number.

That's it.

But since so many folks out there have a vested interest in the execution of smart sponsorship copy, let's talk about what CAN be said.

YOU'RE ONLY AS BOUND UP AS YOU LET YOURSELF BE

One of the more rational emails came from the inimitable Rod Schwartz of Grace Broadcast Sales in Pullman Washington.

He sent a rather lengthy and thoughtful missive. Among other things, he said: "We cannot use comparatives (often helpful) or superlatives (typically meaningless) or otherwise advocate for the advertiser...oops, I mean sponsor. Nor are we permitted to use either item-and-price information or a call to action. It's difficult to write with both hands bound."

Well written. And an amusing metaphor.

Similarly, Bill Montgomery at River Radio in Gahanna, Ohio was frustrated. He asked, "Have you worked with non-comm ads and figured out better ways to legally get info across to the consumer?"

Yes, I have worked with non-comms. One non-comm runs full-length spots that can't use "comparatives, superlatives, item and price info or a call to action."

Can you imagine writing a direct-response 60 with no call to action?

Surprisingly, it's not all that difficult. One client in specific just uses his testimonial commercials, occasionally with minor changes to ensure no superlatives or call to action. Proof again that effective advertising is often good storytelling.

BUT MOST NON-COMM SPONSORS LIVE IN A 10-15-SECOND HELL

Bill asks if I've worked out a better way to get the info across to the consumer.

Ya know, I've written scant number of non-comm sponsorship mentions. I'm not going to call myself an expert.

But, do you want to know the easiest way to get an idea of how to write effective sponsorship mentions that are in compliance?

It's going to be painful, but you have to do it.

Listen to NPR.

"THAT BASTION OF SOCIALIST RHETORIC? NOOOOO!"

For anyone who insists on being political about NPR, yes--the editorial stance can arguably be called center left.

So what?

NPR does one thing better than probably any other news organization: tell a story.

Which attracts listeners.

Which in turn attracts sponsors.

National sponsors.

National sponsors who are not interested in flushing their ad budgets down the drain by saying things like "A proud national sponsor of All Things Considered. 555-555-1234."

NPR national sponsors do everything by the non-comm book, and they know how to extend a message that matters.

NOT THAT THEY ALWAYS GET THE PHRASING RIGHT...

For years, Novo Nordisk has been sponsoring NPR.

And for years, they've been trying to phrase their sponsor mention properly.

For a writer, it's pure pain to hear.

It used to say, "Diabetes research is our passion, not just our business." Come on, the payoff is "passion." Don't bury it in the middle of the sentence and end on a diminished thought.

Now, to their credit, they somewhat understand the need to put emotion into things. And over the years, they've rephrased the line to get it almost right. Currently, they say something to the effect of, "Diabetes is not just our business--it's our passion." So at least it's structured properly. But it really ought to be saying that it's "more than just our business."

That said, the only reason I've even heard of Novo Nordisk and know what they do is because they say it succinctly and with feeling.

"BUT I DON'T HAVE NATIONAL MEDICAL SPONSORS"

Right. You have local businesses who'd like to turn a 10-second drop into a DR juggernaut by jamming a phone, number in there.

Not gonna happen.

But let's look at a business that is likely cleaning up in NPR, because they keep throwing money at it.

Here's their message: "Constant Contact, dedicated to helping small businesses and nonprofits build strong customer relationships with email marketing. Constant Contact dot com."

That sponsor mention is specifically the reason why you get Hot Points through Constant Contact. I needed a tool, they were there, and their message made sense. I logged on and signed up for a free 60-day account. (Also demonstrating the power of the free trial, my friends.) It was about a 3-minute sales cycle, converting a prospect to paying customer. That include putting down my coffee, getting the laptop, and typing in all my account info.

However, I can't tell you how many times I heard that message previously, and it simply washed over me--again proving that people are preoccupied and not sitting around, waiting to hear anyone's advertising.

Notice Constant Contact doesn't say "proud local sponsor," they don't include a phone number. (Don't laugh--I've had website advertisers insist on a phone number.) They merely say who they are and what they do in as succinct and powerful and RELEVANT a way as possible.

And without ever saying, "For all your email marketing needs."

IT'S JUST NOT THAT HARD

It seems a lot of folks hear they have constraints and shut down.

You don't need to do that. There is still plenty to be said in a non-comm context that's both in compliance and salesworthy.

Just look for an angle. It's there. You just have to rise to the challenge for all your client's sponsorship writing needs.

10 Seconds To Wasting All Your Ad Dollars

2010-03-29T07:50:00.001-06:00

IT'S NOT EXACTLY STEALING

Today, I'm borrowing from Roy H. Williams. I'm borrowing a phrase from a recent Monday Morning Memo (a fine weekly screed that puts these pathetic rants to shame).

That phrase is "Post hoc, ergo, propter hoc."

Yes, Latin.

"After this, therefore, because of this."

Wikipedia explains the phrase very succinctly: "Since that event followed this one, that event must have been caused by this one."

IT RELATES TO FAULTY LOGIC

I'm inspired by this phrase because of a recurring challenge in small business advertising: the false logic that because a customer delivered a certain response, said response was caused by instructions in an advertisement.

I'm going here because of something that sticks in my craw.

There's a certain non-commercial radio station to which I listen--an excellent local station with deep community roots.

There's only one problem.

LAME SPONSOR MENTIONS

As one might expect, the sponsors are mainly small local businesses.

And most of those small local businesses typically include (a) some gratuitous phrase like, "a proud local sponsor of (call letters)" or "a long-time supporter of (call letters)" or "supporting (call letters for over X years" or something equally significant, and (b) the business' phone number.

Folks, these sponsor mentions are typically just a few seconds long.

If, as a sponsor, you want some sales bang for your buck, why on earth are you saying, "Hey, we sponsor this station and we've been doing it for 7 years!"

It's like me saying, "Hey, it's Monday and I'm sending you this email again--and I've been doing it since 2004!"

This email darkens your mailbox every Monday. Why would I need to tell you I'm sending you an email? You've got the email right there in front of you!

Redundant.

"HEY, LOOK EVERYONE! I'M WEARING PANTS!"

So what?

But I guarantee you, those redundant phrases are there because local business owners endlessly confirm, "People always tell me they come in because they like that I sponsor our local station."

Friend, do they say they like you because you sponsor the station?

Hint: it's because you sponsor the station, NOT because your message SAYS you sponsor the station.

However, in a world of kiddie-pool intellectual depth, the customer response is extrapolated to, "Since I SAID that I sponsor the station, they're doing business with me."

Post hoc, ergo, propter hoc.

After this, therefore, because of this.

YOU GET THIS EMAIL VIA CONSTANT CONTACT BECAUSE THEY SPONSOR NPR'S MORNING EDITION

Really.

I heard them mentioned in a very, very brief message that resonated with me right then regarding all my "email needs."

(And no, they did not use the phrase "email needs--" which would have made me refuse to EVER do business with them.)

I logged on to Constant Contact and became a user because the message spoke about their prowess with email marketing tools, stirring something in my black and puny little heart.

Nobody said, "Constant Contact is a proud, long-time sponsor of NPR's Morning Edition." In a few seconds, they said something relevant to the intersection of their business and my business, and I took action.

That should be the goal of sponsorship--explaining briefly and poetically how you do something for the end user.

AND NO PHONE NUMBERS!

Folks, let's reiterate this: we're talking MAYBE 10-second sponsor mentions. 10 seconds is just enough time to convey a fleeting message of significance and quickly tell people how to find you.

One utterance of a phone number in a 10-second message is an exercise in futility. Anyone with a brain should understand this.

But here, that doesn't seem to be the case.

Virtually every sponsor on this station jams a phone number into their sponsor mention because someone is certain that everyone listening is sitting by their radios with a crayon in hand, poised and ready to write down the phone number on a big scrap of construction paper.

Any responsible advertising pro knows that using such a device is the height of marketing irresponsibility.

In a world of brief, soft-sell messages with no offer or call to action, (AKA "Brand Advertising,") there is no place for a phone number.

ONLY ONE THING BELONGS IN SUCH A SHORT MESSAGE: RESONANCE

Phone numbers are not resonance.

Until there is a sales pitch, a hard offer and a direct call to action, phone numbers are white noise.

This is science, friends. Talk to a hard core direct marketer or a psychologist. Either one will tell you that research shows it's a pointless exercise.

But--and I actually had this said to me--the phone number "is an identifier."

What?

An identifier?

What on earth does that mean?

ARE WE AUDIO BARCODE SCANNERS NOW?

When talking about digits, an identifier would also be called a "marketing part number."

Do you know anyone who speaks in marketing part numbers?

For the purposes of speaking to busy over-communicated human beings, the NAME OF THE BUSINESS is an identifier.

The business location or web address, if it's strong enough, can be an identifier.

In a world where audio information is streaking past people, a string of 10 digits mentioned once without proper context is not an identifier.

The exception would be a good vanity phone number (1-800-FREE-STUFF) or a number with a strong, recognizable pattern (435-435-4355).

But here is what I can guarantee is going on.

CUSTOMERS--DUH--KNOW HOW TO USE THE PHONE

These sponsors get phone calls from people who listen to the station.

"I called you because you support the station."

And again, in the world of post hoc, ergo, proctor hoc, that is extrapolated to mean, "People call me because the phone number is in my sponsor mention."

No!

They call you because something you said mattered.

They found your phone number by calling 411, going to your website, or (imagine this) picking up the local phone book.

Understand, this is not the exclusive province of my local non-comm. We see this every day in commercial radio as well.

THE RESULTS SPEAK--BUT NOT NECESSARILY FOR THEMSELVES

Advertisers tell you that people are (or are not) finding them because of some mechanism of the advertising.

If your radio commercial has a phone number and no mention of the website, and you're getting tons of traffic to your website, the devotee of post hoc, ergo, procter hoc says, "Well, my radio commercials must not be working because everyone's going to my website instead of calling.

No!

Everyone's going to your website because they've heard your radio commercials and want more information--despite the fact that your URL is not in the commercial.

It does NOT prove that your radio commercials don't work.

IT PROVES THAT PEOPLE AREN'T NECESSARILY IDIOTS!

If they like what you have to say, they're going to find you in the way that best suits them. What you want them to do DOES NOT MATTER.

Sorry to get loud, but this really hairs me off.

One of the simplest ways to demonstrate the fallacy of the importance of a phone number in a 10-second commercial or sponsor mention is to ask whatever professional is asserting the value of it how many times they've used such a number.

Guaranteed, there will be hemming and hawing until the subject is changed.

That, or they'll say, "Everyone else wouldn't be doing it if it didn't work."

Right.

And nobody would be rushing out to buy cases of Lose Weight While You Sleep Juice if it didn't make you lose weight in your sleep.

Except it didn't really work and the Weight Loss Sleep Juice people got their asses handed to them in federal court--after they'd raked in $200 million making false claims.

IF YOU HAVE JUST 10 SECONDS, BE RELEVANT

Somehow, when it comes to making radio, perfectly nice, intelligent, well-meaning people lose all ability to reason. They adopt habits and espouse philosophies and spew rules that make absolutely no sense.

Got 10 seconds?

"My business does this thing that you desperately need right here in town" makes sense.

"My business is a proud local sponsor of this radio station and we can meet all your widget needs 555-291-4978" makes no sense.

This is a game where local advertisers would be well advised to take a page from the national advertiser playbook.

Smart national advertisers, whatever radio station they are on, say something potent and powerful without ever hurling a string of digits at you or telling you they are advertising.

How To Destory Your Business With Bad Word of Mouth

2010-03-22T08:26:00.000-06:00

TALES FROM THE DEEP TISSUE TRADE

I tell this story somewhat hesitantly--not because of how it reflects on the business owner, but because it might give the impression Honey and I live the life of Reilly.

The truth is, we do indeed live a good life. As Honey once said to me, moving to Utah was one of the best gifts we've ever given ourselves.

We also work like crazy.

Besides being up to our eyeballs in advertising, with me sitting here at my desk for days on end, shoulders all tensed up around my ears as I ceaselessly pound the keys and record VO--and Honey works even harder--there's also a certain amount of physical labor in which one must engage if one is going to maintain a Mountaintop Marketing Fortress. Said facility, impressive though it may be, does not come with a staff of minions to do our bidding.

So, periodically, my wife and I visit a massage studio in Park City to have the knots removed. (We emphatically do NOT get what those in the trade technically refer to as a "pushy, pushy, rubby, rubby massage." These massage pros earn their money in a big way.)

EVERYONE LOVES A DISCOUNT

Now, the last time we descended from the Mountaintop Marketing Fortress to have ourselves torqued silly by muscular masseuses, Honey was very happy to take along a coupon she'd clipped from the local paper.

I looked at her coupon and said, "Ya know, I don't think that coupon is still good. It's from last summer."

She replied, "There's no expiration date."

It was apparent that she was determined to get her 20 bucks off the massage.

So, we went down to town, we had the knots removed, and after we were done, I stepped back and let Honey use her coupon.

AS ANTICIPATED, THERE WAS TROUBLE

The receptionist said, "Oh, we don't accept that coupon any more."

Honey stuck to her script.

"There's no expiration date."

"Yes, the local paper took the expiration date off the coupon."

Finally, after a very civilized round of discussion (Honey is nothing if not a diplomat--which is how she spent all those years on Madison Avenue and in Hollywood without ever being voted off the island), Honey paid the tab in full and said, "Would you please give the owner my phone number and tell her I'd like to talk to her?"

Now, me personally, I'd just as soon be done with such a situation.

Not Honey. As she said to me, "If you're not going to make good on that offer, then you're going to have to listen to me complain about it."

It's good being married to someone with a heightened sense of justice.

ABOUT AN HOUR LATER...

Honey's cell phone rang.

She stepped out of the room to take the call.

A few minutes later, she was back.

She said, "Unbelievable."

I said, "Really."

"The owner of the massage studio.

"She couldn't have been nicer. She apologized profusely. She said the paper had taken the expiration date off the coupon and refused to do anything about it to make good. She also said, 'But that's not your problem, it's mine. And the last thing anyone should have to do after coming in to get a massage is then get stressed about using a coupon. The girl working the desk is very nice, but she's also new. She should have just accepted the coupon. I'm going to have her refund the discount to your credit card."

BUT WAIT--THERE'S MORE

Honey was pleased enough.

But a few minutes later, her phone rang again.

It was the receptionist from the massage studio.

She had credited the discount not just to Honey's session, but to mine as well--despite there having been only one coupon.

Honey responded to this by asking her to increase her tip to the masseuse.

The masseuse is now happy.

My wife is happy.

And because she's happy, I'm happy.

And because we're both happy, we're telling our friends about a Park City massage studio that's going to make them happy.

The geometric progression of word of mouth marketing ensues.

SADLY, THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR IS NOT NORMAL

It should be.

The massage studio owner had exactly the right attitude.

"That's not your problem, it's mine."

The paper's mistake was out of her control--up to the point where someone walked into her place with that coupon.

And she owned that mistake for them, doing everything in her power to turn the mistake in her favor and make her customer happy.

It could have easily gone the other way.

That coupon could have been presented by someone who wasn't as easygoing, strategic or diplomatic as my wife.

That coupon, coupled with the ignorance of the receptionist, could have cost the business a client and could have spread ill will through the community. (If people love anything more than a good discount, it's spreading bad news.)

That coupon was offering just a $20 discount.

By not honoring it, the business owner might as well be saying, "Give me 20 bucks, and you can go around town telling people what a louse I am."

Talk about the wrong kind of permission marketing.

WHAT IF THE COUPON WAS GOOD FOR A FREE CAR?

Well, that's a whole other story.

There are all kinds of ramifications predicated on the scale of the potential errors in such a scenario.

Everything must, of course, be taken on a case-by-case basis.

I know businesses that take their coupons regardless of the expiration date. "It's expired? Don't worry about it!" (A ploy that suddenly makes the business look even better.)

But the point being here that regardless of what happens at the media end of the pipeline, the business ultimately controls how they respond and how the customer is going to feel about them.

It's incumbent upon the business to do what it takes to keep the customer happy.

That customer is, after all, the single most valuable source of advertising they have.