Bad, Bad, Bad And More Bad

THERE'S A FOLDER ON MY COMPUTER LABELED "BAD ADS"

I was just leafing through it, looking for inspiration.

Yes, looking for inspiration in bad advertising might seem oxymoronic.

But it's been a while since we've done any hatchet jobs in this pathetic weekly screed.

In fact, your faithful scribe is feeling like we're long overdue for just having pure fun--and justifying it in the name of "constructive criticism" for the benefit of others.

And really, why am I even justifying this? Unleash the hounds!

Here now, three recent favorite bad bits of copy to brighten your Monday.

Strap in and hang on...

WOULD YOU GAMBLE YOUR LIFE ON IT?

For anyone not familiar with Mesquite, it's a little resort town about an hour from Las Vegas on the Nevada border by Arizona and Utah.

By Vegas standards, it's sleepy. Heck, by most standards, it's sleepy. Little casinos surrounded by lush green golf courses in the middle of an arid, brutal, stinking desert.

Ah, luxury.

Mesquite is favored by people I know who drive from LA to Park City and want an inexpensive hotel room mid-way.

I've personally used Mesquite as a pit stop to buy gas and a burger. Easy on, easy off of I-15.

WE ARE NOT DESIRABLE CUSTOMERS FOR MESQUITE

They want people ready to golf and gamble.

The following ad has recently appeared in various media.

"Mesquite. Escape, momentarily."

I like my wife's reaction: "What? Have fun...for now?"

Personally, I think it sounds like an ad for a teen slasher film. Better copy in that vein? "Mesquite. There will be blood."

If "Escape, momentarily" is the best your department of tourism can do, you're probably better off saying something like, "Loose slots, looser women." At least you're targeting a specific demographic and there's no mystery.

Note: I am unaware of whether there are actually loose women in Mesquite. That was not a character judgment. Please, women of Mesquite, hold your cards and letters.

YES, BUT WILL IT SLICE, DICE & SHRED THE COPYWRITER WHO WROTE IT?

As an auditioning voiceover performer, one is exposed to an endlessly entertaining parade of words that don't matter.

And it comes not just from little local Podunk advertisers. It even comes from national concerns.

Behold this from a national lawn care manufacturer...

Introducing a trusted line of lawn equipment

that's new to the brand. These units are

designed to help you get the job done quickly,

so you can focus on what's really important in life.

OK. Now, really. It's silly enough to try and propose the notion that your lawn care equipment is somehow going to improve your quality of life.

THE "LABOR SAVING DEVICE" CONCEIT BECAME STALE ABOUT THE MIDDLE OF THE LAST CENTURY

But what's most amusing here is the notion of a "trusted line of lawn equipment that's new to the brand."

It's either brand new, or it's established and trusted.

You can't have it both ways, friend.

If that's the best your marketing department can do, you need a new marketing department that "can focus on what's really important" in marketing.

THIS ONE MAKES ME WANT A HOTEL ROOM IN MESQUITE

Looking for a reliable, national hotel chain?

"This [unnamed hotel] embodies a unique mix of New York energy and New England charm, while providing a memorable hotel experience for your business, leisure, meeting and celebration needs."

Woo hoo!

Needs, needs, needs!

NOT JUST ANY NEEDS, BUT MY BUSINESS NEEDS, LEISURE NEEDS, MEETING NEEDS AND CELEBRATION NEEDS!

Wow.

And the hotel is a "unique mix of New York energy and New England charm."

This is a dichotomy that your writer, as a born and bred New Englander who has spent a lot of time in New York, is trying to fathom.

Is there a tray in the lobby with warm chocolate chip cookies and crack? Does the desk clerk look like a Maine lobsterman in a Brooks Brothers suit? Do you ask the concierge how to get to the Schubert Theater and he says, "You can't get there from here?"

What on earth does that mean?

This is so obviously a big bucket of nothing that it's a little shocking it came out of a national hotel chain.

This one sentence offers a nonsensical dichotomy in its description of the hotel, has no idea whom it wants to address (business travelers, vacationers, meeting planners or party planners), and as icing on the cake offers the single stupidest word any copywriter could possibly fall back on when too lazy to come up with anything even remotely original: "NEEDS."

Not that I really have an opinion on that.

WRITING BETTER COPY IS JUST NOT THAT HARD

One of the best ways to write better copy is to read what you've written, and if it sounds like an ad you've heard before, throw it out.

And ask, "What does this REALLY mean?"

Also, ask if it gets a point across without sounding like a parody.

For anyone with even an ounce of motivation, there are all kinds of resources to help raise the bar.

Fortunately, a lot of people will never avail themselves of those resources, and our enjoyment at their expense will continue unabated.

Yay, bad ads!